whispers and shouts

Have you ever been in a place in your life when you feel like you are processing, learning, growing, struggling, wondering...about just about EVERYTHING? There are so many things going on in my heart right now, and I feel like I just want to have SOMETHING feel stable and secure. I'm in my 4th month now as the Associate Children's Pastor at Vanguard. Talk about lots of learning and stretching going on! Learning how to lead people and develop them as leaders. Developing tons of new things in the ministry. Exciting, but, man, it feels like I'll never catch my breath! I am on the verge of having 4 teenagers, and I am having to learn how to parent them all over again. The emotional parenting we are entering is so much more exhausting to me than the more physical parenting of the early years. Never thought that could be possible, but, let me tell you, it IS! (Sorry to burst the bubble of all the MOPS mammas out there...). My husband turns 40 tomorrow (gulp), and we are entering a new stage in our marriage. It's a really good thing, but feels unpredictable and different. Friendships are growing and shrinking all around me. I feel guilty for not maintaining friendships better, but also feel relief to not have to invest so much. Then I feel bad for feeling that way.

And then there's God. In the midst of it all, He is there...whispering, shouting, jumping up and down and waving His arms, trying desperately to get my attention. Sometimes I hear His quiet whisper, and am so refreshed by His gentle touch. Othertimes I FINALLY see Him, hear Him, FINALLY get the message. And my heart breaks that it took so much. That I didn't hear His first whisper. And I am filled with thankfulness that He is faithful and patient, and that He doesn't give up on me. If He has to jump up and down, waving His arms, He will. And He loves me the same as when I respond to His whisper.

That's just the way He is.